Lyrics
Complete SOJH lyrics
A Toast To The Good Times
To all the people I’ve forgot who never cross my mind
To all the good friends I have lost I’m sure we’ve had good times
And as the time piece ticks away the seconds of our lives
we’re left with only memories and glimmers of good times
To all the bottles dranken up and broken on the floor
To all the parties busted up when cops broke down the door
To all the cheesy pick up lines and lame attempts to score
To all the girls who gave it up and gave it up some more
Well nothing ever lasts don’t waste your life by living in the past
And raise your glasses to the sky fuck yeah we had good times
Aerosmith
Yeah uh huh uh huh Yeah uh huh uh huh
I’ve had drinks that were much stronger
She’s had boyfriends that were longer
She asked me to keep my mouth shut
I like talking guess who’s out of luck
She’s got half sleeves and chopped bangs
Man she hates me and It’s ok
She was the life of the party I could care less that she ditched me
Feeling very aerosmith today
No matter what I do
You’re never gonna stay
She told me she’s moving to cali
I say she stays she don’t believe me
She can’t resist my power
She’ll be staying one more hour
Dream on janie’s got a gun sweet emotion living on the edge has begun
Today
Al Qaeda
Hey there al qaeda I got an idea stop being assholes in the middle east
Leave Afghanistan come to tv land and try to do some good for once at least
You’re all a bunch of slobs just looking for a cause You would do most anything to get close to god
I know it sounds odd an MTV jihad you’re only killing imbeciles is that so wrong
Hey al qaeda I gotta lotta ideas
Whitney and LC in The Hills sunning a sniper rifle’s never out of reach
Spencer and Heidi won’t see it coming blow up their humvee with an IED
A bunch of spoiled teens all blown to smithereens would be my favorite episode of sweet sixteen
I’m not being mean it’s right there on the screen the most insipid bullshit of society
Autoerotic
Sick of playing this game
Seven fake numbers one fake name
Always pretending I’ll never win
How did this come about?
Frustrated each time that I go out
But it’s all ending I’ve found a friend
I know that this one will last
I get what I want no strings attached
No buying dinner No awkwardness
I get to pick who I want
If they’re not perfect I move on
I’ve got the power I’m in command
I’ve been infected
By good selection
I’ve got my credit card
And now it’s time to
Sign on the x for 3-way sex
With super models
A clear connection
Brought by rejection
It’s autoerotic
I’m doing fine Don’t need to go outside
I’m A-OK wasting DNA
I don’t need you I don’t need any
One world in my hands I am the man
Who gets his kicks
From dirty chicks
I’ve got my credit card
And now it’s time to
Backup Plan
God Damn is all I say nowadays well I never used to be this way
I guess it’s what you did to me that makes it so I cannot see
The point of being nice to you after all the shit you put me through
Gotta get back gotta get back some of what’s mine
Our picture perfect painted life has faded out Your colors bold and blazing now are gray with doubt
I come to find out that everything I said and did was all for nothing cuz you
Had a backup had a backup plan in your mind
I guess that’s how it’s gonna be this side of you is new to me
I’m in a state of shock and awe from revealing your camouflage
to finally take a different view and see what really motivates you
what’d ya do Was it worth it
Had a backup had a backup man on your mind
Badonkadonk
So you like my band that’s really great hope it stays that way but there’s something I must say
you’re 13 I’m 38 well
It will never work I apologize I didn’t mean to flirt but I’ll make it up to you
I’ll write a song that’s way more cool next time
We’ll still rock out together happily ever after and you’ll remain our biggest fan and we’ll stay your
favorite band in the land of make believe
Well honestly this song is just a fantasy it’s highly unlikely that some girl would ever like me
It was all a lie I apologize and I’m quite contrite but I’ll make it up to you
Boner
Got a boner in class class is over but I got this boner yeah Got a boner think fast Im the owner of a big ole boner yeah Got a boner in class class is over and I got this boner yeah She leans over bra strap teachers older but I got a boner yeah Teacher asked me to go up to the chalkboard oh no Baseball, hockey Janet Reno in a speedo Teletubbies, My sister naked, captain kangaroo, sperm whales Christina Aguilera on top of Britney Spears in a hot tub, in a hot tub Catherine Zeta Jones, dental assistants, womens tennis, Brad Pitt Oh no Ive got a boner again
Bored To Death
I’m not much into all the shit she has to say
I think put my head into a microwave
and rig it up so it turns on and it fries my brain
as the skin melts off my face then I could refrain from being fucking bored
so bored
I’m not much into all the shit she has to say
I’ll lay down on the railroad tracks wait for a train
it will cut off both my legs and chop off my head
as the cars roll over me I would be so dead and not so fucking bored
I’m not much into all the shit she has to say
I wish that someone would throw something sharp my way
like knife or razor blade or a campbell’s lid
then someone would realize I’m a fucked up kid and I’m fucking bored
Brady Got A Van
Brady got a van stopped hanging out with me man
Stole all of my friends started playing in a band
Into the flame was their shitty name
I got off track
Let me take you back to the plot
See I gave everything that I gotBut I can’t play guitar and I hate smoking pot
I hate your shows I hate your dumb girlfriend
I don’t wanna go I’m glad that this ended cuz
Damn, You know who I am I’m the man with the plan
I’ll fuck you up, you know that I can
You screwed up my life I’ll key your van
Go back up the years so I can make this clear
Drove around listened to Dead Milkmen and the Queers
His car stereo told him where to go
Now your scene shines like Mr. Clean in the dark
In a club or a basement or a park
On the road where I called and I made my last remark
I hate your clothes I hate your dumb haircut
I don’t wanna go Your girlfriend’s a band slut and
Take off through the land
With bullseyes on the sides of your tour van
Make up a new plan
Decide who you are for all your new fans
Brawsteinch
Been a long time I’ve been running by your house to see if you’re home.
Car’s in the drive but there’s no lights on. Been a long time I’ve been calling but
you won’t pick up your phone. I hate your gaddamn call id.
Awfully quiet by myself. Think I’ll sit and smell your bra.
Been a long time I’ve been crawing in the bushes by your house. I see you’ve found
another guy. Been a long time I’ve been running from your new boyfriend tonight. I do
not think he likes me much.
Cell Phones Suck
Call me up everyday go away cuz I don’t know you now
We broke up said I’m gay go away cuz I don’t know you now
There are things in life that really make me nauseous You’re one of those
I’d rather have a rattlesnake on my nuts with one fang through each testicle than spend one minute with you
If you ever call my house anymore I’ll take your cell phone and shove it up your ass cuz you’re a dumb whore
Face is like a chimpanzee I’ll admit you’ve got a problem now
They have stuff for acne you remind me of hobgoblins yeah
Choader Boy
So you found someone new someone who doesn’t eat glue
He’s got a snake in his pants and does that dump dry hump dance
He’s got a really nice car and spends his life at the bar
He’s got a Chi Phi tattoo so tell me what’s wrong with you?
You say that he’s a smart guy but he can’t even read
You say that he likes music but he listens to Creed.
So tell me what’s wrong with you I’ll tell you what’s wrong with me too
I’ll tell you everything about me
I can see right through you I can see through your new boy too
You know you cannot live without me
There’s someone new in your life but I don’t think he’s that bright
He thinks that sasquatch exists one time he drank his own piss
So you say you’re happy now that you’ve gone and dumped me
I think I’ll sorely be missed he looks like a date rapist
Divas Are Skanks
If Britney is a virgin, then Im the King of Spain, and Christina looks like a poodle that isnt potty trained. Whitney was gonna sing a song, but she got too high. Cuz divas are skanks, divas are skanks, divas are skanks. Mariah had a breakdown. Shanias teeth are fake, and Celines constant shrieking is more than I can take. If J-Lo had any class she might know how to spell. I remember in the good ole days when divas kept their clothes on. I remember in the good ole when divas wrote their own songs. Lets all get together and dance around like sluts. Dressing up like hookers and show off their big butts. Working at the Moulin Rouge, not much of a stretch. Shakira please shake you ass for me. Shakira please belly dance for me. Whenever, wherever, we meant to be together and I be here and you be there and thats the deal my Divas are skanks, Divas are skanks, Divas are skanks.
Diver Dan
I’m fucking ruined I’m desperately broke. I might be stupid. but he’s a fucking joke. Why not todd soccer? or danny volleyball? how bout neal mathteam or no one at all? what was it about him? was it his speedo or his clean shaven body? Tell me i need to know. Needed some answers, already had proof swimcaps and love letters, strewn about your room.
Don’t Mess With Texts
This conversation could take one minute to sa, but I’d rather spend an hour and text away
Getting bloody thumbs from my qwerty pad no rest from this obsession hey man texting is rad
Don’t mess with texts
You’re T9ing while you’re driving on the highway to work,
drunken texes to your exes when you’re going bezerk
OMG BFF BRB LOL IDK G2G JK ROFL
You’re the text around No one’s ever gonna text you down
Don’t You Dare Ever Break Up With Me
I’m gonna cut off your fingernails
Way too close to the skin
Dye your hair leave the shit in way too long
So it burns on your scalp
I’ll fix you up some bad taco meat
Spray hot sauce in your eyes
Make you eat lots of really stale cake
And not give you any milk
I’m not fucking around
Do I look like some clown
Who’s using metaphor
To describe the heartbreak I feel
I always mean what I say
Trust me I’ll make you pay
That’s what you get for breaking up with someone crazy as me
I’ll flood your inbox with spam email
Throw your phone in a pond
Sign you up for all those stupid catalogs
So you’ll get lots of junk mail
I’ll tell that army recruiter guy
That you want to enlist
He’ll call you up over 50 times a week
In hopes that you will say yes
I tried to show you how much that I loved you
By taking all your underwear
But then you gave me that restraining order
Now I can’t be near, the one I hold so dear
I’ll do anything that I can do to you to make you see
We were meant to be
I’ll do anything that I can do to you to make you see
You were meant for me
Oh well
If I can’t have you no one will
Down With Anarchy
Black make-up on your face And a circled letter A Red, emblazoned on your back Everyone knows where you stand You think that you’re the man I think you really hate your dad Down with anarchy I have faith in order You wouldn’t last one day If our country would collapse You’d get hungry pretty fast I love my president I love my government I sing my country tis of thee They build nice roads for me Social Security And they protect me with police So you want to live in chaos That don’t sound to good to me Appreciate the life that you got Take a trip maybe you’ll see Spend a week in Eritrea Go on safari in Sudan Just living in Liberia Maybe then you’ll understand
Dudes And Guys And Things And Stuff
Dudes and guys and things and stuff
It’s all there is I’ve had enough of
There’s dudes doing things and guys doing stuff
There’s dudes doing stuff and guys doing things
Oh yeah You know what I mean
There’s dudes doing guys and things doing stuff
There’s guys doing dudes and stuff doing things
There’s dudes and guys Things and stuff guys and stuff Dudes Things
Dudes
G-Baby
You drank the keg beer
you strapped it too your feet
you chose to go outside the wake.
In the narrows
I guess I told you so
Its not my fault for Godness sake.
We’d do transcriptions,
and fill prescriptions
and laugh about our chemistry
but then you dumped me
and then you sued me
This part of you I didn’t see
That’s not the kind of thing
That girlfriends do
I gave you everything
You slapped me with a lawsuit
I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry
I let you wakeboard
G-baby My darling I’m sorry
I let you wakeboard
How can it be
that you’re so mean?
you seemed so docile and composed.
Or can it be
that you don’t speak
cause you’re a selfish little psycho
There had to be a tragedy
For me to see just who you are
I put up with, with all of this
This time you’ve gone to far
G-baby, I know you’ll always love me
They’ll always be a special place for you in my loins
I’ll try to remember the fond memories we had
Like when I got you that tuba or when we studied all night for that medchem final
I think I got a b on it I think you got a c
That doesn’t matter anymore No one’s keeping track
What matters is I’ll remember the good times we had and not the time you threatened to sue me because you suck at water sports
Girlfriend
Girlfriend I wouldnt care if you smelled like cat piss Id still think you were great. Thank you for bailing me out of jail cuz last night I made a few mistakes. Girlfriend you dont care if I havent showered and I smell like cat piss. And if I havent brushed my teeth for three weeks youd still give me a kiss. Whooo-hooo Whooo-hooo Nananananana Girlfriend you didnt care when I left you stranded in Targets parking lot, and when I showed up three hours later you understood I just forgot. Oh Yeah. What can I say? I am worthless without your love. Wasting away, if I dont get some ass tonight Ill die. I look in your eyes, the piss smell subsides, I know that youre mine oh baby youre mine. If I dont get some ass tonight Ill die.
Happy Birthday
Well it’s been another year You’re not getting any younger So sit back and have a beer Cuz you know your days are numbered Hope you party like a trucker Happy Birthday Cocksucker
Happy Fun Song
Konichi wa, Mitsubishi, Kamikazee, Wasabi, Sony, Kristi Yamaguchi, Donkey Kong, Kawasaki, Rice-a-Roni, Sushi, Kathie Lee, Tsunami, Karate, Cheech and Chong, Nintendo, Mojo Jojo, Tae Kwan Do, Quasi Moto, Pokemon, Yoko Ono, Ichiro, Gung Ho, Kikoman, Hibachi, Origami, Mr. Kobayashi, Ceiling fan, Atari, Teriyaki, Wang Chung, Chop suey, Goo goo gjoob, Tofu, Haiku, Fubu, Fu man cho, Kajagoogoo, Kung Fu, Vera Wang, Honda, Yoda, Abe Vigoda, Toshiba, Sega, Kama Sutra, Godzilla, Poon tang, Domo arigato Mr. Roboto.
Hey Crackhead
Broken window on the concrete, on the floorboards, on the car seat
There’s no speakers, there’s no face plate
blood is boiling, I’m getting irate
Had a feeling there was something missing
Had a feeling there was something wrong
Had a feeling now I’m almost wishing your ass was here cuz my cds are gone
Hey crackhead bring my stereo back
Get yourself to rehab get yourself a real job
Crackhead get yourself off the crack
Get a fucking life and leave my car alone
Broken screendoor on the front porch
Cops are called in, writing reports
There’s no xbox there’s no purses
Girlfriends crying, I’m saying curses
You’ll get what you deserve
Hi, My Name Is Stuart
Hi my name is Stuart, would you be my friend?
Then we could be best pals until the bitter end.
Would you protect me from those guys that kick my ass
Every other day in front of my 8:30 class?
Hi my name is Stuart, would you be my pal?
Maybe I could hook up with a special gal.
And we could make out in the backseat of my car.
If I played my cards right we could go real far.
Then I’d have a friend now cuz now I have none.
We could hang out in the museum. It would be so much fun.
Would you hang with me? We could drink a beer.
But we’d have to drink it fast cuz my parents are here.
Hi our names are Stuart we are your comrades.
We shall band together so we can kick some ass.
Nerds of America, we must unite,
And together we will win this fight.
Hinky Dinky
Its been a long day, sacking groceries at the Hinky Dinky store. All the old ladies are mean I dont want to do this anymore. But if I go home, tell my mom I dont have a job, Ill have to move into a trailer home. And thats not cool. Doesnt matter what you say. Im not gonna listen anyway. Stevie Wonders on the radio. I put cans on your eggs now Im staring at your legs. Cuz you are a milf and youre fucking hot. I try so fucking hard to make it on my own and everytime I try I end up all alone. I know exactly what it is to be a man but I will never reach that status sacking cans. Everyday is exactly the same as today some shit never changes here. Doesnt matter what you say. Im not gonna listen anyway. Can I get a price check on some beets? I showed up an hour late. Now my managers irate. Hes the type of guy Id like to kill. I try to live my life the hinky dinky way but then I realize that thats just fucking gay. I know exactly what it is to be a man but I will never reach that status sacking cans. Everyday is exactly the same as today some things never change round here.
Human Rabies Project
I think that shes so cool, but she thinks that Im lame and ever since she found this out its always been the same. She laughs at all my dumb jokes and she sits down next to me but theres no hope because I know that this will never be. I know that the harder I try she gets more creeped out by me. Maybe another chick will come my way, but not today. I need to change myself, improve my physical health, go down to the gym and work out
I need to make a change, get my life rearranged I need to find out what Im all about. I went and got my hair cut and I shaved off my beard. I got my acne all cleared up and stopped acting so weird. Now she really wants me but she never will be mine because Now that Im so damn pretty she doesnt look so fine. I know that its not cool to judge people by what you see Maybe Ill date an ugly girl someday, but not today.
I Am
You’re such a slut. The past three months were full of lies and broken trust. Now I give up, no need to wallow in your disrespect and I’m bored of lies. You think that I’m another dickhead. When I see you cry I laugh inside, cuz I am. I put you up, when everybody else just put you down. Now I’m fucked up. It feels like everybody’s laughing at me.
I Knew I Never
Someone came in took her to Berlin
was real sweet not Puerto Rican
was a jerk said this won’t work
Guess she knew I wasn’t thinking straight
Things got blurred
I took your word and turned it into something different
must admit it was my intent and I swear I’m not defending
myself my stupid self
If I had all the wealth
I’d buy you something cool like a motor bike
Let’s build a machine
That skips this scene like a dumb part in a movie
We’ll press pause on all our flaws
Guess that would be way too easy
Let’s stop word operating and get to copulating
Before you leave me here all by my lonesome
Dead beat cold feet I knew I never should of let her go
Time makes heart aches
new street lame beat
I knew I never should of let her go
Time makes heart aches
I’d break the rules yeah I’d sell crack for you if it showed how much I care kill some guy that you don’t like dump his body off somewhere
I’d be incarcerated but never devastated
I’d be somebody’s bitch cuz that’s what love is
Idiot
I bought a house in North Dakota put ground effects on my Chevy Nova
Cuz I’m an idiot yeah I’m a lunatic yeah I’m an idiot
Got a collection of beanie babies I really like the Barenaked Ladies
Ignorance is bliss if the shoe fits I’ll wear this dunce cap on my wrist like a moron corsage I’ll drop a
barrage of dumb garbage and stupid shit A certified full fledged idiot
I laugh at reruns of Frazier and Friends I think that voting can make a difference
My only t-shirts are affliction I have a world of warcraft addiction
I’m a dumb ass
I’ll Never Be An Astronaut
Should have paid attention
Should have went to class
But I had to play Mario Kart and James Bond Goldeneye
In this stupid rat race
I’ll finish next to last
Wrap me in that shiny shit and pat me on the back
But you’re stuck with me and I am stuck with you
That’s just fine with me because of all you do
You make me forget all my regrets
That I’ll never be an astronaut
I’ll never be anything cool
Never be a doctor No
You make me forget all my regrets
That I’ll never be a diplomat
I’ll never have my own limosine
But I’ll always have you Whoa
Gonna find a ladder
Climb it to success
I think I start at Walmart cuz they have good benefits
I can be a greeter
I can stock the shelves
Make them pay 8 bucks an hour or I’ll go somewhere else
But you’re stuck with me and I am stuck with you
That’s just fine with me because of all you do
I’m sorry I’ll never be the best for you
I apologize there’s not much I can do
I’m sorry I wouldn’t change a thing
Whoa Whoa Whoa I’m broke
I Guess your mom was right
I’m Down
I’m tired of living for the weekend
Not hip to dropping out of school
That’s why I don’t want to be here and I know you hate it too
I’m sick of sending salutations
No more making out with friends
Fed up with stupid expectations
Always let down in the end
I’m down just fooling around
This shirt is giving me a headache
I’m sure they wish that I would die
That’s why I’ll listen when they tell me
That he’s such a super guy
You say you want to keep it simple
I say that I don’t really care
I know you hate it when I say that
Hold your breath I’ll be right there
Next time I’ll wear my new necktie
Next time I won’t have to drive
Next time I won’t get so drunk and so high
Next time I won’t butcher it
This day is fucking up my fore brain
Soco is soaked into my stem
Hot damn I do believe I’ve lost it
All to hell with all of them
Won’t be let down in the end
I’m Serious
People say I’m joker but I play the king.
People say that I’m a fuck but that don’t mean a thing.
Why’s there a barcode stuck to my forehead?
Why do people give a fuck what other people said?
I’m so fucking sick of you. Now we’re through.
I’ve stuck around long enough to know that you don’t know a thing about me and I’m serious
Say I’m a child at least I haven’t changed
There’s credit given to those that remain the same
I’m not all hung up I’m not feeling sick
You get what you deserve and not cause I’m a prick
I’m sick and tired of the dumb charades you play and now I’m here to say to you I’m
serious. I’m serious
Insulin
Well Im flat broke my whole life is a dream well its more like a nightmare you know what I mean? If you got cash bustin out of your seams its a new charity wont you send it to me? Hey, if you wanted to stay well I dont even care so please just go away Cuz what you say is the type of disease my organs twist up inside of me Youve bled me dry sucked the life out of me Im all fucked up I need something to eat Well god damn, you’ll get nothing from me Ive got neuropathy in my hands and my feet cuz the blood flow has decided to cease day after day when you wont talk to me Ive been checking my pulse running the needle deep Im down on my luck and Im down on my knees My sugars low Im feeling sick Dont you know that you turned me into a diabetic Thanks for nothing You know Im down with you girl but Im feeling weak tonight Wont you be my insulin My sugars low Im feeling sick
Dont you know that you turned me into a diabetic You know Im down with you girl but Im feeling weak tonight Wont you be my insulin tonight
It’s A Brand New Day
Popped a pill I can go kayaking What a thrill I can go rock climbing Not a cure its all about suppression Doc is sure, said that my conditions good The lesions are gone I can go skiing now the lesions are gone My lifes the best now that Ive found Valtrex Feeling great I can do anything I can date, we could go iceskating Not afraid, I can take a shower With the guys I dont have to cower now I can be naked now the lesions are gone Nothing is wrong
I have no puss filled sores the lesions are gone It was so painful I will admit It hurt so bad it almost made me cry But I learned one thing though all of this Ill never ever visit Haiti no Never again, its a brand new day
Feeling fine, wish I could forget it Keep in mind, I can still transmit it
The lesions are gone I cant have sex yet but the lesions are gone
Jenny and I
Jenny and I really hate your guts. We can not believe you’re such a slut. Jenny got tears in her eyes, I got pissed and you know why. You were getting it on with her dad. Jenny and I decided that we, we don’t need this shit and if we see any of this shit again, we will kick your ass and then you’ll think twice about getting on her dad. This might be just a stupid song but its true. I cannot believe we had no clue what you do when you’re alone with Jenny’s dad. Sorry that I am not 42. Jenny and I missed the warning signs. We forgot to read between the lines. Everytime he made a pass, every time he grabbed your ass, you were actually getting on her dad. Jenny and I, we don’t need this shit. Jenny’s had a hard time since the split. Right before the big divorce they screamed so much that they went hoarse. Now her best friends getting on her dad. I’m on the outside looking in. I see his nuts up on your chin. What in the hell were you thinkin’? That guy is such a creep and Jenny and I decided we are leaving this place Jenny and I, we are the same age. Jenny and I, packed our bags and started driving. Jenny and I, we’re not coming back.
Just Like
Like a new born baby deer
Or a non-alcoholic beer
Like a group of seven days
Or fat free mayonnaise
They’re just like your excuses you give to me they’re fucking weak
Let’s try some honesty
Just like all your stories so full of holes they fucking leak
Quit patronizing me
Like a box of krispy kremes
Or a pair of worn out jeans
Like a wedge of cartoon cheese
Or some guy with leprosy
Just like a broken pencil, a new liver for Mickey Mantle
Just like Inside Edition, the red carpet or Paris Hilton
Just like winning a Grammy, or speaking English to a cabbie
Like aimless, capricious, or senseless, They’re pointless
Love Song
I know you’re the girl on tv but I can’t see why you’re not with me I know we’ll be together soon
We will spend our life together. I’ll be with you know and forever
although you have 3 names, not two.
I know what you did last summer so would you ever date a drummer? The two of us could write a song. I will show you how to skateboard. You’ll talk to me and I will be bored.
Don’t tempt fate. Well I can’t hardly wait.
Cuz Jenny Love Hewitt you will be mine. It may take some luck it may take some time.
You might get wrinkled and you might get old but I’ll be there when your tits explode.
I swear there’s nothing wrong with me. I’m not a drunk ass like Bailey.
Can’t you see your destiny it’s I love love and love loves me for real.
Saw you on a video for that crap boy band LFO. Of course you’ll be in all of ours. Tara Reid is pretty hot but Carson knew he lost a lot. You’re a better catch by far.
You would have the time of your life if you wanted to live as my wife. I know you’d get the best of me. But if you think it wouldn’t work. You think I’m dumb and I’m a jerk, I’d call up your good friend Lacey.
Lover’s Island
Sometimes a needy bitch takes away a good time buddy and
It seems like everything is okay but it’s not funny cuz he’s gone for good
Yeah he’s gone for good
Can’t party not too hard when you’re on lover’s island
Can’t hang out at the bars when you’re on lover’s island
Forget who your friends are when you’re on lover’s island
Life sentence behind bars when you’re on lover’s island
Meatheads, Douchebags, and Me
There’s Haywood Jablome
And his buddy Richard Head
They don’t even know me
But they wish that I was dead
You think you want to take me
There’s only 18 of you
I’ll just sit and drink my beer
Not much else that I can do
I Don’t know why I come here
Same every week
Meatheads and Douchbags
And then there’s me
I think that I’m addicted
To these dollar drinks
Must be something in them
Makes it so I cannot leave
Surrounded by muscles
And Tommy Hilfiger
Now I’m getting restless
Get me out of here
I waste the whole god damn night
Making fun of assholes
Hitting on my girlfriend
Makes me start to pretend
That I have something else to do
Or somewhere else to go
Unfortunately
I don’t
My Ipod
My ipod has over a thousand songs and each one of them I can sing along
But it doesn’t have the songs that we used to laugh to
It doesn’t have the songs that we used to dance to
It doesn’t have the songs that remind me
My ipod and me it’s all I need you’re nothing to me but a memory
My ipod’s never fed me full of lies and my ipod’s never slept with other guys
It doesn’t have the songs that we first made love to
It doesn’t’ have the sons that we used to fuck to
Not A Wannabe
I’m not a wannabe can’t you see that I am I am everything I wanna be according to plan.
You wanna fuck with me Better talk to the hand
I ain’t got time for motherfuckers if they don’t understand I’m the man
Call me a has been, better than never was
I’d like to see what you’ve accomplished simply because
You try to assume makes an ass out of you
as for me I’m sitting pretty got no worries cuz I know the truth
It’s clear that you don’t know me It’s clear that I don’t care
Didn’t ask for your opinion better keep it to yourself Straighten up and listen
You better keep your pretty mouth shut
Well I would keep my pretty mouth shut if I was you
I see you down there sitting in your chair grab my coat and pull me towards you
Go ahead and take your swing lucky you don’t have no legs I’d smash your fucking face in the ground
Office Depose
Took the last cup of coffee
Just like you always do
And you don’t make a new pot
That means I have to
Can’t you read plain English?
Can’t you read the sign I made?
I says your mom don’t work here
And I am not your maid
So cozy in your corner office
You don’t deserve a cubicle
I’m telling the supervisor
I’m writing a bad evaluation
In hopes you’ll be fired
I saw you take a stapler
I think I saw you take some pens
I see you taking notepads
Time and time again
You’re always taking sick leave
You’re always taking off early
How do you get your work done?
Makes no sense to me
And at last summer’s office potluck
You didn’t bother to bring a dish
Over Now
Expect then delay and expect the worst to happen
Delaying the outcome controls the risk of crashing down
I don’t know what is wrong with me, but I know there’s something more to me.
What d’you want? What do you want from me? I know one thing no one knows me.
I am watching it. I believe in it and I know that it is over now over now
I’m sure that when you see how many times I’ve fallen
The anchor you tied to me will keep me down and drowning out.
Please, can’t you see?
I get sick when all the same old shit comes crashing down on me.
See Ya Leah
Oversexual boy oversexual girl she was supposed to have morals he was supposed to have rules
He came to get help but you helped in the wrong way The DA said now you have to pay
See ya Leah wouldn’t want to be ya Went to work with kids but we all know what you did
See ya Leah wouldn’t want to be ya Hope the women’s prison is a really nice fit for you
She got him alone every chance that she could
What was wrong with her head that made her think she should
You bet your ass you’ll pay
She Doesn’t Like Me
She doesnt like me well never get married. She doesnt like me well never have kids. She doesnt like me thats why she always tells me Maybe we should just be friends. She doesnt like me, my arms are too hairy. She doesnt like me I dont have tits. She doesnt like me because I got a wiener, two balls, And Im not a chick. Well, I got this vibe like she had something to hide, So I looked deep inside Didnt think that I would find that my girlfriend was gay So I thought to myself Hey! Ill try to get her in a three-way. Maybe Ill get her in a three-way. My girlfriend’s a lesbian.
Superhero
I’m not a superhero, I’ll never fly through your window or crash through walls cuz you say so. I’m not an evil genius, I never meant to play mind games or tried to fuck up everything. I’m through with you, I’m through with you. The bridge has burned, Another lesson that I’ve learned. I’m moving on, I’m moving on. I’ve realized, should have listened to myself. I’m not that superficial. You never wanted to grow up I never wanted to give in. You think that your so special, You might be partly right but you should stop being so damn selfish. You never wanted to do anything And you always told me that I’m not one to give And everytime I thought it was my fault it’s you
Stars Won’t Shine
Do you remember when, When everything was so simple and fun back then? But now the times have changed. Now youre pissed off at me almost everyday. You sold me out and I dont understand why you turned your back to me. You keep on talking shit and Im sure that youll fuck up everything. Stars wont shine tonight. I dont want to fight. Its in your hands to compromise to make things right. I want to know. There used to be a day where there was no need to watch every word I say. And now that times have changed now youre pissed off at me almost everyday. I want to know
Statutory Rape
I’m sitting on the floor looking at the world through a picture window
I see a pretty girl she goes walking by I decide to follow.
I run out through the door couldn’t wait no more tap her on the shoulder.
She is so pretty and she talks to me I wish she was older.
She’ll be 16 in May
She’ll be my girl someday
Her dad said stay away
I took her to my frat and I got her drunk and I slipped her roofies.
She started talking loud taking off her clothes and acting goofy.
She was looking hot, couldn’t help myself so I got some tail.
Now I get it every night from my sweetie Rick, shares my cell in jail.
It’s not OK
Stuck In A Rut
Look youre number one, your reputation will drop down to two if I hang out with you Let up at the knees now you slipped to three I should care more but Im stuck in a rut Im stuck in a rut My t-shirts turned black cuz its my color Give my LPs back, Keep Def Leppard Its time to go back Cuz well be taking a rocketship to sun Dont break the rules Cus robots eat the gouls Get your benefits and planned retirement Put up with the sound before they put you down I should care more but Im stuck in a rut Feast but dont give in to social pressure This game you cant win cuz theres no measure Head first then dive in cuz Youll be taking a rocketship to sun Weve had our fun and now were done were wasted Gave it a run so fucking dumb were wasted This worlds too corrupt so lets just blow it up Holocaust parade secures my future Drive your escalade cemented tourture Half of what youve made will be taking a rocketship to sun
Stud Without You
My mom ran away and my dog got sick
caught my girlfriend sucking on my uncle’s dick
I got pissed and fucked a bucked toothed whore and
you’ll never see more anal warts on me.
Gonhorrea whoa whoa
Well I’m not feeling well I’m really sick
I’ve got weird shit growing on my dick
I’m not keen on the smell of Vaseline but
I sure could use some aspercreme on my
Styrofoam
I’ll build a home out of styrofoam, CFC’s smell awfully good to me. When it burns down, I won’t frown, I don’t have any nice shit anyway. I’ll throw out trash on the freeway, In two more days it will be nice and clean. It creates jobs for filthy fucking slobs, They don’t have any jobs and they’re filthy fucking slobs. Cant you see? There’s nothing wrong with me. Im an asshole, Don’t give a shit about any thing but me. I’ll babysit your bratty kids I’ll give them beer and make them watch TV And when they cuss Please don’t fuss They’ll end up just like you And they’ll be shitty too
Sure Shit
Gave props to the Beastie Boys while we were making out It was my favorite song by them
You said that I do not care, I promise you that I do I swear Its just Paul Revere, and I cant concentrate. This is not about the Beastie Boys. Im tired of you and all your ploys. MCA, Adrock, and Mike D, could never come in between you and me You said you think they just did I know that theres obviously more shit fucked up between you and me Its not just on the surface This is not about the Beastie Boys. Im tired of you and all your ploys. You always said that I was braindead I never let it go to my head You were a prize that was in demise for way too long You walked away when things went astray I am not going to chase you today You are alone and I am alone its killing me
Tacoland
There’s a hole in the wall down on Greyson a dirty dive bar they call Tacoland
Come in relax and enjoy the softer side of sin that all changed one fateful night they let the devils in
They took it all away
Via con dios why did you have to go RIP Ramiero just wanted you to know
There’s a shrine on the wall down on Greyson flowers candles and pictures of Ram
All that’s left now is just a building and a fence police came in and collected all the evidence
But they still got away
You’ll understand when you go on down to Tacoland Via con dios rest in peace Ramiero
Target Has My Heart
Hey baby, come with me I’m going out shopping. No thanks hun, I’ll stay home watch the game all alone
But we need a new feather bed and we can pick out a brand new duvea.
I’m going to Target. Wait, hold on, that’s all you had to say.
I don’t ever want to shop at walmart cuz target has my heart.
And the cutest girls outside of Hooters
On second thought I’d rather not go shopping. I think that we should stop
Spending all my money on you.
My sweater does not fit I think I’ll return it
They’ll give me store credit there’s more things I can get
We can find some new throw pillows and we can pick out a couple cute bowls.
Baby it’s just a song
Tina Fey
I dig the glasses that you’re wearing I’m hooked and I can’t stop staring
You’re pretty cute but not so hot you’re out of my league
We make interesting conversation inside jokes random observations
I liked that time you called that one guy Idi Amin
Throw out a simpson’s reference and you pick it up
We can talk about things and you know about stuff
One time you almost won at jeopardy
Baby it’s ok would you be my Tina Fey?
We could run away if you were my Tina Fey today today today
You like to watch the shows that I like We get along and we never have fights
And you don’t care if I hog the remote control
SNL, Curb Your Enthusiasm, and It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia
But never Grey’s cuz it’s the lamest show in the world
Throw out a star wars reference and you pick it up
You’re not like all the other girls who wince and walk away you understand the things I say
Toyota Van
You think you break my nose? Well I don’t think you can
Your fists so weak and small with that supermodel look
I learned my kung fu at Tokyo café
You know you can’t fight battles reading books
You know ethan hawk? Well I don’t think you do.
You lie you lie you suck.
A private screening of dead poets society
Toyota Van safe at home again
USF
Welcome students it’s sure nice to see you at this year’s orientation Let me serve up some cocktails and fun facts on why this fine school’s #1 Evan Williams, he founded this school, way back in nineteen eighty eight. Then he moved to his grandmother’s basement where you can find him to this day. Our school colors are gold green and black, for beer and vomit and hangovers Our school mascot is Ghangi the cat he gets high on catnip and clovers I attended the University of Shitfaced and got my degree Our school fountain it pisses a stream of cheap wine and cigarette butts All the coeds that walk around campus are cheap lousy obnoxious sluts There’s school spirits at every event, the stands are all packed with fun lovers In the games we’re too drunk to fight back but we celebrate when it’s over Our professors they don’t give a damn about you, your goals, or your gradesThey spend all their time toasted and macking on freshmen so they can get laid. That’s a dumb question I’m real glad you asked, there is no library dumbass If by some chance you make it to class you have to pass out just to pass Your tuition is just the bar tab so go out and have a good time But at this point you don’t realize you’ll pay for the rest of your life Go Fight Win Room will spin Nothing more fun than drunk driving Through a fence into a yard Grab another beer and party hard Go Fight Win get bed spins Wake up on the bathroom floor again Take some meth or vicodin Find your clothes and start again
Vlah-day Dee-vats
When I was 17 I didnt make the team I couldnt achieve my dream of playing in the NBA I couldnt make the pass Of course I got picked last Every body kicked my ass each and every day He smokes two packs a day That dont affect his play Hed never roll a j Like most guys today Hed never beat up fans He hardly understands English but hes my man And Im his smallest fan On and off the court hes got everything If you ask me hes my hero If you ask me hes my king My whole lifes is a nightmare but his lifes a dream Theres only one guy I want to be I want to be Vlade I want his body I wanna be 7 feet tall, palm a basketball and never shave If I could be Vlade I could be naughty I could drive fancy cars, hit all the bars, and get all the babes get all the babes Now the Lakers have him back only he could replace Shaq on the roster now theyre stacked like Erica Elaniak In bed hes a gentle giant Maybe other pros should try it Hed never rape like Kobe Bryant or pay them off just to keep quiet I dont want to be Peja Stojakovic I dont want to be Darco Milicic I sure dont want to be Slobodan Milosovic Theres only one Serb I want to be
Wasted
Why did monkeys use my mouth as a toilet And then decide to wipe with my hand? Whys my big brain giving birth to a baby And its crying and kicking in my head? Thats the last time I get drunk. Thats the last time I get wasted. Thats the last time I have sex with someone I dont know. Yeah, but I can see my life is fucked. Yeah, but I can see my life is wasted. Yeah, but I can see the bars are open so lets get another round. Why did someone shave my head And write dork in magic marker all over my face? Whos that couple in my bed? They hooked up last night, theres condoms all over the place. Thats the last time I wake up in someone elses clothes. Where did I loose my cell phone? Who stole all of my cologne? Why the hell do I smell just like a bowling alley? Is this the best that it gets? Gentlemen please place your bets. Ill be laid in my grave before Im only 43
Went Limp Quick
I’m so excited this is great, She drinks, she smokes, she stays out late. She looks like a pornostar but not as slutty And her teeth are straight. She invited me to her pad. If I could score it would be rad. Got a condom in her hand and she’s taking off her pants Then she put in that shitty band. She said her favorite band was Limp Bizkit. I asked her please “Could you turn off that shitty shit?” She said “Fuck no!” and cranked up her stereo, I got nauseous and I knew I had to leave the fucking room. I haven’t seen her for three weeks I bet she thinks that I’m a creep. Couldn’t get it up, I was out of luck, Later that night I couldn’t sleep
You’re Stupid I Hate You
I wanna be lying on the beach, Frying in the sun like eggs and bacon. And you told me That youd rather be stuck in this town If Im not mistaken. I wanna go where no one knows my name. You wont be there either because youre stupid. I wanna see, hills of Italy, Floating in a boat out on the ocean. And you told me That youd rather be married and settled down Theres a notion. I wanna go to Detroit Michigan. I wanna go to East L.A. Id rather be visiting New Jersey. Id rather be anywhere else but here with you
